Rants and Raves

The first thing you will probably say when you read the title of this little story is "german guy? who the hell is german guy?" well im glad you asked that, because im here to tell you. German guy is actually some italian dickwad guy that lives up gould street about 8-10 houses from me. So why would i call him german guy if hes italian? Another good question, because this brings up a very interesting story. The first time i ever heard about german guy was when my mom was walking my dog, and then she passes by his snot green colored house, and he comes out yelling something along the lines of "if your dog pisses on my lawn im gonna get have my german shepherd kill you and your dog!!" Well look at this we seem to have another asshole on our hands Action was never taken until the good ol days of summer, where mayhem was alive and well, so in celebration of such a great time in our lives, why dont we egg german guys house?
*Cue mission impossible theme song*
Your mission should you choose to accept it (hell fucking yes), is to piss off german guy to the extremes by egging his house, before you can do this you must acquire the following peoples and accessories
1. Bret the kid that made this extremely fun moment possible by bringing home toys like the imfamous patatoe launcher, and water balloon launcher, that of which you will be using.
2. Farbs the really smart kid who is also the clumsiest motherfucker in the world, also has the power to hurt the fuck outta you when he tackles you.
3. A dozen eggs, which will be at the local krausers at the cheap cheap price of a dollar something
You now have a reason in life, act on it.
*Cut mission impossible music*
Now comes the night time, my favorite time of the day. You know it wasnt very smart of us to set up right in front of the house, and it was even less smart to launch at his house when he was looking at us. To specify the launching, we assume that a tree with a shadow is enought to camoflauge 3 unsuspecting teenagers who seem to be carrying things not of normal means. I of course acting as the voice of reason, saying that hes looking at us, telling the others that we will get seen. But of course i have no backbone so i get bitched into launching it anyways, first the sound of the rubber breaking the wind. I was the first one to start making my way out of the area, but i go slow because i think i missed........
BAAAAAAM!!!
Those two motherfuckers make a break for it, me having no speed, hide in the bushes followed by a very angry german guy on a rampage. He storms out of his house, then followed by him screaming at the top of his lungs, "IF I CATCH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IM GONNA FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!!!!!!" Bret and Farbs are long gone to Daves house, leaving me behind. Im scared shitless, this guys actually would fucking kill me, he then walks around the area, as he stares RIGHT INTO THE BUSHES IM IN, me thinking "oh shit im fucking dead." His wife then comes out and calm him down, followed by multiple cars pulling out of his driveway. Im still in the bushes im not sure what to do, so i just calmly slowly walk out of the bushes followed by several neighbors, drawn out of their houses by either the explosion of the egg, or german guy going fucking apeshit on nobody. Ok so far so good, walking walking, i reach my driveway, i run the fastest ive ever ran in my fucking life, into the house, my mom sees me sweating like fucking hell. The deed is done, mission accomplished, i meet the gang on aim, and we indulge on our havok.
Day 2
After a short trip to the mall i meet up with elian, and bret as they come into the house they go into my room and we talk about the situation again, but this time my mom gets a call from some guy detective Phil McCracken(a little joke) i dont know, but im like ok fine i did it mom, so i was the only one found out, its ok, i only got grounded for 1/4 the summer, but my mom wasnt mad because i got no charges filed on me. So i may take this time to address german guy for a second: Hey asshole motherfucker look what i did to you, you stupid dago motherfucking cocksucker thats what you get when u fucking yell at my mom, you get you aluminum siding dent by an egg going 100 mph u stupid cocksmoker. How about i give you 20 dollars so i can fuck your greasy big bird nosed daughter, who looks like she bathes in cisco every day. Man that felt good to vent, its not very safe to say that seeing as im gonna email this out, hey bret why dont you take that part out for me eh? no? doesnt matter. So what do we learn from this story? German guy is an asshole, his daughter bathes in cisco every day, and never egg a guys house when hes looking right at you.

Gather around the camp fire kiddies and let uncle Bret tell you a little story. Once apon a time in a little village known as Wayne our two heros Bret and Josh ventured into loewes theater to see a movie called Pearl Harbor little did they know the horror they were about to witness.

First off, the movie itself is FUCKING TERRIBLE. It was a 3 hour movie of which half of it was a cheesy love story that had been a spinoff of your everyday jerry springer episode. Ok maybe the shitty story could be overcompensated with the "extreme action" of the attacks themselves.

When i first saw Saving Private Ryan, the battle of normandy is probably the greatest action sequence ever created in cinema. For pearl harbor to be able to make up for the extremely large pile of shit that was half of the movie, they would have put about 2 straight hours of private ryan type action sequences. Well? Did they?

NO!!!!

It was actually so fucking dull, that i was looking for something to be impressed, the cameras on the bombs were decent, but they hardly make up for the action sequences that were just planes flying and bombing, flying and bombing, oh yea there was some flying and bombing. And guess what? Humans have an overall total of about 2 ounces of blood, cause that was what i saw in the aftermath of the attack. What happened to the stories i heard of dark red streets, and blood rivers that resulted of them damn japs?

The "tribute" to the veterans of pearl harbor was just filtered through so many levels of hollywood, that the biggest of pussies would cry about the crushing love story and the fact that the boyfriend dies at the end. THATS RIGHT I JUST RUINED IT FOR YOU, IM GOING TO EMAIL THIS TO EVERYONE THAT HASNT SEEN IT YET. As a matter of fact id rather watch a hogan's heroes marathon than get paid to see pearl harbor again.

I bet right now those people in the S.S Arizona are spinning in their watery graves, now that they have become californicated into a society that has to edit out the movie for japan cause the seem like the "bad guys".... ill let you think about that. Lets rewrite history for the sake of being politically correct that makes fuckin sense, maybe we should have responded by dropping a third fucking bomb on their heads, and say "THE MOVIE STAYS THE FUCKING SAME!"

"Uncle Bret what does this have to do with the story???"

"Timmy do you know your mother was the bukakke queen of Tokyo in 1986?"

"Whats that Uncle Bret???"

"Why Timmy i am glad you asked see bukakke is a peculiar Japanese invention where the essential element of which is to have a huge number of guys cum on one girl's face essentially drenching her in sperm. It differs from a monster gang bang in that there is no in-out and the only function of the girl is to receive the jets of sperm which she does in this case guppy-mouthed. Well little Timmy that was my story."

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